Wow, apparently July is a sucky month for me, given that the last time I wrote anything here it was July of last year and I was absolutely miserable.  'Cause tonight, I'm feelin' pretty miserable again.

I'm so fuckin' lonely.  I'm emotionally exhausted, I feel beaten down to the point where it just doesn't matter whether I speak up for myself or not, and I feel completely isolated - and this is in my fuckin' house and in reference to my own spouse.

What's the point to any of this.  Anyone?  At the moment, I got nothing.

I have pissed off a friend to the point that she has sent me an email, saying we won't be getting together anymore.  I can't even bring myself to read the entire thing, because it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I don't really have a coping mechanism for this.  Usually I go away from stressful situations; when I was a kid I'd go to my room, and even now I generally leave, or try to find a book, or whatever.  But that isn't going to work here.  I can't leave my life.  I can't leave my personality.  I can't leave motherhood, or depression, or shame - they follow me.

I can't leave myself, and I'd very much like to just not be me for awhile.
I feel sick to my stomach.

Amelia turned three recently.  My friend Amy has a mommy-blog where she keeps things like this checklist.

Your favorite toy for playing is: Hungry Hungry Hippos, probably because you just got it a week ago

Your favorite toy for snuggling is: Pink Puppy

Your favorite food is: Mini Corn dogs with Macaroni and Cheese

Your favorite book is: um, you like a LOT of books, kid... from the learning books (Shapes, Colors, etc) to the Pirate book.

Your favorite activity is: Coloring, or possibly climbing on Mommy

Your favorite place to go is: Jenny-Penny's house, tied with Grandma and Grandpa's house

Your best friend is: Aidan, and your partner in crime is Jenny-Penny

Something new that you're doing: Trying to stay dry at night

Something you've mastered: You keep showing off how well you know your colors; you use the potty pretty much all the time

Something people say about you: "Wow, those eyes...!"

Something that you're saying is:  "Woogie!"  And you use this deliberately because you know we have no idea what you're talking about.

Something Dad and I are proud of you for: Oh, sweetie, everything.

Something surprising about you: Lots of toddlers sing, but you're the only one I know who invents lyrics to go with tunes you already know.

Me.  Archaeology.  Something I've wanted to be since I was 8, which was when I learned how to spell it.  'Course, at the time I thought it had to do with dinosaurs...

Assuming my research bears out and this really *is* something I want to do with myself, I had been facing a logistical challenge.   I'd thought my only "local" options to pursue a degree were three hours away at IU Bloomington, but now I've learned that Purdue does have an archaeology program, the faculty have ongoing digs, and so forth.

As Adam has already told me in his own words, if I'm just pursuing another shiny, he could care less.  Once I've got some actual, real answers to important questions, then he'll be ready to listen and support and all that good stuff.  The Husband has said essentially the same thing, in *his* own words.

I'm not even sure I know which questions to ask to start my research, but damn if I'm going to sit here and not find out.

I know that there are only like two or thre people who read this journal, but if you're willing, Id love to have a response ffrom you.

See, I'm living with the evr-growing conviction that I am basically unemployable.  I will never get another job working for someone else, ever again, because I just don't have it in me to give a damn whether or not I show up on time.

I'd post more, but my livejournal seems to be lurching around, and I don't know if that's supposed to be part of the Halloween theme or not. (Undead Journal, they're calling it).

Speaking of weddiing anniversaries, we just had our eighth on Tuesday.  We actrually celebrate it tonight, since that is when the sitter is free.

There's nothing like a really g rueling therapy session to make you believe you're at least getting your money's worth out of it.

I'm apparently capable of holding a grudge for thirty years, if the offense was deep enough.

I haven't done embroidery in over ten years, but given that, I'm not doing too horribly with my practice exercise thingy.  Look up "or nue" online and you'll probably find decent descriptions.

WHY has my kid stopped sleeping through the night??

I'm not actually posting about anything relevant.  I'm just tired of having my gripe about a child molester celebrating a wedding anniversary be the first thing I see on this page.

I'm considering taking up period embroidery.  'Cause, you know, I don't have *enough* other artsy things on my plate.

Okay, so it's one thing to receive an invitation to a 40th wedding anniversary celebration.  It is entirely another to receive an invitation to the 40th anniversary of a guy who molested his 4-year-old daughter, was found out when the girl was about eighteen, went to jail, and the girl's mom adopted this whole "stand by your man" attitude (that looked suspiciously like "head in the sand" from where I was sitting)... 

I just.

I just!

The mother KNEW this was happening and didn't throw the guy out.  The guy will never be allowed to work in his field again.  He's on the sex offender registry for his state.  For years, possibly still, he was under a restraining order keeping him away from ANY children, supervised or not.  When the rest of her family found out, they all informed her that they never wanted to see this man again, and what did she do?  She adopted this tone of voice that is sort of, "well, what can you do, it's just one of those things, let's all be Christian, we forgive him" kind of DENIAL that just KILLS me!

And now they want to celebrate staying married?!  What?!

Can someone please tell me wtf, because I can not figure this one out.

So.  April 15th.  Tax day here in the US, and the premiere of season four of my guilty pleasure, Deadliest Catch.

Also, Leonardo da Vinci's birthday. He would be 556, if, you know, he hadn't died in 1519.

Also, I got the news about 30 minutes ago that my grandmother has passed.  She would've turned 89 in September.

My mom found her.  She died in her sleep, in her bed, in the home she's lived in her ENTIRE life.

...